If I Could Go Back
by LaxChick25
Summary: If I could go back, I'm not sure if I would change my decision. If I could go back, I'm not sure that I would change who I fell in love with. If I could go back, I'm not sure if I would hate myself less. If I could go back, I'm not sure if I would feel this much regret. But, yet, even without the promise of change, I wish I at least had the option to go back. FAX. No wings.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Ok, so this is my new story. Thanks for checking it out!**

**It's going to switch from Fang's POV to Max's every chapter. This first chapter is Fang the next one will be Max. It's kind of a little deeper than anything I've written before so I hope you guys like it. **

**Alright I just really want you guys to read it so READ!**

I looked down at my shrilling phone. Dread filled my veins accompanied by too many sad emotions and a flicker of happiness. I still had her picture set with her contact that I've never gotten the courage to delete. Her picture was one of her at fourteen. Back when we were nothing but friends. She was smiling at me, something that never happens now. I think it's because it's too painful for her. At least that's my reason for not talking to her; my reason for hating her most of the time. I watched the phone shake on my desk. Her smile never changed and neither did her expression. I longed to go back to that time, when we were simple and life was simple. I watched and watched the phone ring and the longer I watched the more painful it became to ignore it. Finally, I slid to answer and waited. After a minute of silence, I pulled the phone to my ear.

"Hello," I said.

It took her a minute and then, "Hey. I-I need you."

It wasn't new. We did this to each other all the time. I've tried to justify it in many different ways, but what it always came down to was the comfort. She was the only one who understood what it was like. She was the only one who felt like they had cut out a part of their heart. She was only one who lay awake at night, just like me, letting the guilt and the 'what ifs' haunt them until they had to call someone.

Then I would call her or she would call me on the nights when it got really bad. The nights when we wanted to cry and beg God to just, please, let us take it back. Let us just go back. Let us be together. I would tease her about it and she would tease me about it. We would share cold, insensitive words about it. Something about being horny or being a booty call, but, for me at least, it was always something more. It was a way for us to remember; to remember and have it not be so painful. So even though we were cruel to each other before and after, and we didn't talk at school, and we didn't so much as say 'I love you' after, we got together on those bad nights.

I never felt guilty about it either. I should feel guilty. I should know better than to let us do something so intimate so easily. I should feel bad about cheating on my girlfriend. I should feel bad for letting her cheat on her boyfriend. But I didn't feel bad, not yet at least. I didn't think of it as cheating. I thought of it as therapy, as comfort. I didn't do it for the pleasure, I had a girlfriend for that, I did it because it made me feel better. It made me feel like I wasn't alone. It made me hate myself just a little less.

"I'll be over in twenty," I told her. Then I heard the dial tone of her phone and the call was over.

I looked down at my chemistry homework. It's due tomorrow and I'm not even close to being done. I slammed my binder shut on the worksheet and stood up. I grabbed my car keys from my dresser and slipped out my door. I walked down my stairs without making a sound and slithered through my house soundlessly.

I slipped on my shoes by the door and with a quiet pull of the front door I was out into the dark night. The air was wet and heavy on me. The night was muggy after a long day of rain and it made me feel sticky. I looked over at my car and then back at my house. I prayed that my parents had actually fallen asleep and then got in the car and turned it on. I winced and looked at the house again. I've never been caught before, but I can't let my guard down. I would be dead if I got caught sneaking out, especially on a school night.

I quickly drove out of the driveway and flipped on my high beams. The roads were quiet and relaxing. I allowed myself to relax into my heated seat. The weather is already cooling down and it's only the beginning of October.

I pulled into her driveway and quickly shut off my car. I looked at her house, the open window to her room and the light left on in that very room. The rest of the house was quiet and dark. I knew I could navigate the whole thing in the dark, though. I spent my childhood at this house. That was before we grew up and we grew together and then we grew apart. That was before everything that could go wrong, went wrong.

I slipped out of my car and walked to her back door and called her.

"Coming," she said. I hung up and waited by the door. Her parent's room was on the other side of the house from this door and I could sneak in without being heard.

A minute later the door was opened and she looked up at me meekly.

"Hey there, fuck buddy," I said coldly.

She just looked at me impassively. Finally, I walked past her and up the hall to the stairs. I heard the pad of her bare feet walking behind me and I smirked a little to myself. When we reached her room I tugged off my shirt and threw it to the ground. I heard the soft click as she shut her door and locked it.

I turned to face her. No one sees her like this at school. No one ever sees the girl that's been through as much as she has. No one sees her cry or hurt or think about what could have been. They see a blond haired girl with a bright smile and the best sarcasm they've ever heard. They see the tomboy in jeans and a t-shirt.

They don't see what I see. They don't see a toothy grin at the top of a tree. They don't see their best friend running through the sprinkler. They don't see the biggest mistake they ever made. They don't see a scared girl with circles under her eyes and a tremble in her hand as she reaches for their skin as a distraction.

I guess that's ok though, because sometimes I wish I didn't see it either. Sometimes I wish that we never became friends all those years ago and that we never loved each other. Sometimes I wish I just saw Maximum Ride, the blond haired girl with a sharp tongue, instead of Max, the girl who I've loved with everything I've had since we were little kids and who I share some of the best and worst memories of my life with. Because, maybe, if I didn't know her, my life wouldn't be so painful. Maybe if I never loved her, if I never cared, I wouldn't feel so much now. But to not know Max would be to not know myself. If someone went into my head and took away all my memories of Max, I don't think I would even know who I was anymore. My sense of self is so dependent on this girl that it would be like changing my face.

I looked her over steadily. I looked at the bed. I looked at her silver toenails. She's painted her toenails that color since we were four years old. Then finally I met her eyes. She reached for me and grabbed me by my belt loops. Then I felt her lips. I could remember then. I could remember what it felt like to kiss her the very first time, when we were only fourteen. I could remember laying in the grass talking about how we were going to grow up to do grand things. I could remember coughing as we shared a cigarette and vowed to never try it again. I could remember twirling her around in the kitchen late at night to Elton John. I could remember what it felt like to be with her, in the most intimate way, for the very first time. Now here we are years later, about dehumanize each other. Back then, the first time, when we were young and we believed, we made love. Now, all we do is remember.

**A/N: I'm going to try and update once a week, twice a week is just unrealistic. Currently it's set out to be 18 chapters exactly but I might add some in, but that's just a rough estimate. **

**Review and tell me if you like it and you want to see more or if I should quit now and start something different. **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: You guys are seriously awesome. I got 13 reviews on this first chapter which is more than I think I've ever gotten on a first chapter in the first week it's been up. So thank you guys tons. **

**This chapter is Max's POV in case you forgot that I told you it would switch every other chapter. **

I woke up to the beeping of my alarm clock. The noise sent a cold feeling of anxiety through my veins. I looked to the other side of my bed, where I remember curling into him last night, to find it empty. He was gone, like always. I couldn't even be angry though, I always leave him too. Staying would cross a line that would shatter everything. Staying would upset the balance. Staying would be caring and we can't afford to care because caring would mean loving and loving that boy is something I can never do again.

I sat up and slammed my alarm clock off. It was quiet and for a minute I just shut my eyes and breathed in his sent that still lingered on my blankets and pillow. I stood up and the cold fall air that had crept in through my open window assaulted my bare body. I rushed to grab clean clothes and my towel. I wrapped myself in the towel and made a beeline for the bathroom across the hall. I slammed the door shut and turned on the water.

My sister had her stuff all over the counter making me feel closed in so I opened the window to let the air in. Finally, I jumped into the shower and let the water wash away whatever feelings I had developed last night. There was no room for feelings like that. He's the past and the only time he can come into the future is at night. For a second I let myself lean against the cold tile and just breathe, but my one moment of peace ended with a bang on the bathroom door.

"Max!" Ella screamed at me. "I need to curl my hair!"

"Your hair is already curly!" I called back.

"Open the door!" Ella yelled. "Mom said you have to!"

I sighed and shut my water off. I slowly got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around myself. Then, finally, when I was ready, I opened the door for my frazzled sister. She barreled in and glared at me. I just watched her impassively until she plugged in her curling iron.

"Can't you do that somewhere else?" I asked her. "So I can, I don't know, get dressed."

"I have a bus to catch, you don't," Ella mumbled as she wrapped a strand of her hair around the curling iron. I sighed and moved forward to brush my teeth. "And don't even think for a second that I didn't hear you sneak Dylan in last night. I could tell mom and you would be so busted."

It wasn't mom I was worried about, it was Dylan finding out that I had snuck someone in last night and it wasn't him.

"It was Nudge," I lied quickly.

"Sure it was," Ella mumbled as she twirled more of her hair.

"Just don't tell Dylan or he'll get worried about getting in trouble," I lied. Dylan doesn't care about getting in trouble. He would care if he found out I was sneaking boys into my room at night, especially if he knew which boy specifically.

I didn't think of it as cheating though. It wasn't really cheating. I didn't do it because I wanted to hurt Dylan or because I wanted to feel something physically. I did it because it made me feel better. It made the hurt go away for long enough that I could breathe again. It made the past not as painful. Plus, he had a girlfriend too and if he didn't think it was cheating then I didn't either.

"Ella, let's go!" Mom yelled from the bottom of the stairs.

"I'm coming!" Ella called back.

"I'm not driving you!" Mom replied. "If you miss the bus you're walking!"

Ella groaned and rolled her eyes before pulling the curling iron from her hair and flipping it off. She fluffed her hair a little and then looked over at me.

"I'll see you at school," she said. "I won't tell mom or Dylan, but you should probably think about being quieter."

I watched her leave and then spit into the sink. That means she knows it wasn't Dylan that I was sneaking in. If she thought it was Dylan she would have told my parents right away just so I would get in trouble. She knew I was sneaking someone else in, hopefully she didn't know who.

I tugged on my underwear and then my old jeans. I contemplated life for a minute and then pulled on my bra and a t-shirt. Overall I looked like I normally did. After running a brush through my blond hair, I was ready to go.

I slipped out of the bathroom while kicking my pajamas and my towel back into my room. My dad came out of his room and looked at me and then down at my mass of cloth. He smiled and picked everything up before shoving it into my hands.

"Try this," he said. "It's a little easier." He kissed my head and walked past me.

"What's life without challenges?" I called after him with a smile.

I heard the distant sound of his chuckle as I headed into my room.

I ripped my phone from its charger and grabbed some socks before I left my room and headed down stairs. My parents were moving about the kitchen getting coffee and packing up their stuff for the day. I looked down at the toaster with the one end piece of bread left next to it and pulled out my phone to text Dylan.

_Dunkin?_ I sent.

I pulled on my socks and slipped on some shoes just in time to get Dylan's text telling me he was in the driveway.

"Love you," I told my parents as I grabbed my backpack and slipped out the door.

I hopped into Dylan's old SUV and pulled on my seatbelt. He looked over at me and smiled.

"Did you get my text?" I asked him as I shoved my backpack into the back seat.

"No, sorry, I was driving," he said as he pulled out of my driveway. "What did you need?"

"I didn't eat," I told him. "I'm thinking a quick Dunkin run is in order."

Dylan pointed to the time. "It's going to be tight."

"I'd rather be late than hungry," I said.

Dylan just drove on towards the school and Dunkin Donuts.

"Did you catch the game last night?" Dylan asked as he pulled into the drive-thru.

"No, what was on?" I asked him.

"Hockey," he said simply. "Usual?"

"Yeah," I mumbled. He rolled down his window and ordered for us. "I never watch hockey."

"You should though," Dylan said and then he pulled up to the window.

"The only good part of hockey is the fights," I told him.

"I'm going to get you into hockey," he told me. Dylan grabbed our bags and our two styrofoam cups. He handed me the bags and stuck our cups in the cup holders. We sped off and were back on the road in seconds.

"I don't like hockey," I told Dylan forcefully.

"You just haven't given it a try," he said simply. And to Dylan, it was simple. Everything was simple because he's a good kid who comes from a good family with a history of mess-ups one line long. My family is average, we're nothing special. I have a nice mom and dad, and my sister is pretty cool most of the time. The list of my mistakes isn't long, but there are life changing bullets on that list. Bullets I'm still working to get over.

"I don't want to give it a try," I gritted out. "I don't like hockey."

"We could watch it together," Dylan offered. "It could be our thing."

"Dylan!" I yelled nearly causing to swerve. "I don't like hockey. I don't want to give it a try. I don't want it to be our thing."

Dylan sat quietly for a minute and then he glanced over at me.

"I'm sorry," he finally mumbled meekly. "I didn't know you were PMSing. A warning is usually in order."

"I'm not on my period!" I yelled.

"Well, no, but if I'm not mistaken it's coming next week," Dylan said. "It's _pre_, as in before. It's ok, babe, we'll get through it together."

I don't know why Dylan's ignorance pissed me off. He was just trying to be nice and understanding which is more than I can say for most guys. Maybe it was that I could still smell Fang. I could still feel him. I could close my eyes and see him. The memory made me hate myself and Dylan's kindness when I was with another boy last night just made my self-hatred grow to all new levels. Well that, or I'm really PMSing. In which case I'm overthinking.

"Let's just talk about something else," I mumbled.

"Are you going to eat?" Dylan asked. "You said you were hungry." I opened my bag and grabbed my doughnut. "How is it?"

"Good," I mumbled.

"Hey, Max, you know I'm sorry," Dylan said as he reached over for my hand. "I know you don't want to watch hockey. I just thought you might like it. We can make something else our thing."

"Why do we need a thing?" I asked him.

"Well," Dylan said with furrowed eyebrows. "I guess we really don't."

We pulled into the parking lot and Dylan parked in the spot he parks in every day. Just like every day, I got out of the car and grabbed my backpack. I took my coffee with me and left my trash in the car to be dealt with later.

Dylan walked over to me and took my hand while holding his coffee in his other hand.

…

"Max?" Dylan asked. I didn't look up from my laptop.

"What?" I asked absent-mindedly as I clicked on the print button for my English essay. It's shit, but it's done.

"Who's is this?"

I looked up and shut my laptop. In Dylan's hands was a black t-shirt. Not just any black t-shirt, a man's black t-shirt. Not just any man's black t-shirt _his_ black t-shirt. Fang's black t-shirt.

"Oh, uh, I was looking for my other shoe this morning and I found that in the back of my closet," I lied. It sounded like a good lie. "It's-it's F-Nick's, so, I was, uh, just going to throw it away. I don't think he wants it back, do you?"

"Considering that I've only seen you guys scream at each other for the past two years, I would say that he can survive without it."

"Yeah," I mumbled. I looked at the t-shirt hoping that Dylan didn't see that it looked way too fresh to be old. Dylan threw it on the ground while looking at me with his head cocked to the side.

That's when Ella busted into my room.

"Hey can we-" Ella stopped and looked at Dylan before forcing a smile at him.

"What?" I asked her.

"I wanted to just talk about what we talked about this morning," Ella said shooting me a meaningful look to which I mouthed a "shut up" very clearly. "But I think I'll leave you guys alone."

"Actually," Dylan said looking between Ella and me. I saw him glance at the t-shirt for just a second and then he smiled at me. "I think I'm going to take off."

"Are you mad?" I asked him. I could sense that he wasn't content.

"Should I be?" Dylan asked innocently.

"I don't think so," I said simply.

"Then, no, I'm not mad," Dylan said. He crossed my floor and kissed me quickly. "I'll see you later, love you."

"Love you too," I whispered. Then he left and I heard his footsteps as they hit each stair gently. I sighed and rubbed my eyes. _It's not cheating,_ I reminded myself.

"So was I right?" Ella asked as she crossed her arms. I plopped down into my chair and looked up at her with what I'm sure was an interesting combination of exasperation, anger, and sadness. She winced and went to go sit on my bed. "Are you cheating on Dylan? I don't think I can lie to him if you are. I'd feel too bad."

"I'm not cheating on Dylan," I told her. I believed it because it was true. Fang would never cheat and if he didn't consider sleeping with me while he had a girlfriend cheating then I shouldn't consider sleeping with him while I'm with Dylan to be cheating. It's not cheating. Fang's not a cheater and neither am I. It's not that I'm not happy with Dylan, it's that Dylan doesn't understand what Fang understands. When Fang holds me on those lonely nights, I don't feel so alone in my pain. That's something Dylan can't do, even if he knew what really happened to Fang and I.

"Then who did you sneak in last night?" Ella asked. "Because I'll find out."

"I snuck Nudge in," I told her. "That's it."

Nudge is my best friend.

"Why would you sneak Nudge in for a couple of hours only to have her leave again early in the morning?"

"Leave it alone, Ella," I said as I stood up and glanced over at the t-shirt unwillingly.

I started to pack up my school stuff and ignored Ella's stare.

"Why don't you just tell me?" Ella finally said. "It'll be worse when I catch you sneaking them in again."

"I'd just be ruined if you caught me sneaking Nudge in," I said with mock-fear. Ella looked ready to slug me. Mostly because she knew I was lying. Normally I wouldn't bother to lie to Ella, but this is something too big to tell truth about.

That's when I caught Ella looking at the shirt in the corner. She stared at it with furrowed eyebrows and I wanted so badly to grab the stupid shirt and throw it in my closet, but that would be a dead giveaway.

"You're-you're not sneaking…Fang in here, right?" Ella asked looking at me worriedly. My blood pressure spiked.

"No," I said quickly. "Fang and I…we haven't even had a civil conversation since we were fifteen." That much is true. Even when we talk now it's nothing but insensitive words that draw up walls. Sometimes, when he holds me, he lets me know that he understands, but he never voices it. I don't voice it either, because I'm scared that if I start to talk about it again I might just hate myself too much to go on, and I might hate him too much to even be able to look at him.

"It happened to you when you were my age?" Ella asked in disbelief. "I always knew, but, God, Max, I couldn't deal with it."

"Well, neither could I," I told her. "I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not exactly all together."

"Is that why you're sneaking Fang into your room at night?" She asked. "Because you're hurting?"

"I'm not hurting, Ella," I told her. "And I'm not sneaking Fang into my room."

"Then why don't I believe that?" Ella inquired. "Why can't I believe that?"

"I don't know," I said meeting her eyes. "Because it's the truth. I'm not sneaking Nick Crosby into my room." That much was true, I wasn't sneaking _Nick_ into my room, because to me he isn't Nick, he's Fang. I'm not sneaking Nick into my room I'm sneaking Fang, my Fang.

**A/N: So that concludes another happy chapter. Please, please, please review and let me know if you still are liking this. Next chapter Max and Fang get in a pretty big fight so review for that. I'm thinking that Thursdays definitely work good for updates so I'll probably be updating every Thursday…hopefully. I'm entering the extremely stressful months of junior year AKA SATs, ACTs, AP exams…shoot me. But I am going to try to be consistent. Just might be a bit of a struggle until after May. **

**So review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I'm strongly considering getting a tattoo. I haven't really run it by the parental squad yet, but something tells me it won't go over well. I just had to get that out because I've been looking at tattoos for hours and days and months and I'm really excited about it. **

**Anyway, thanks for the reviews guys! **

I shoved my papers into my backpack and zipped it up as I walked down the hall. My health teacher made me stay after and wouldn't give me a pass. Apparently failing a test is frowned upon. I'm sorry that I'm not all gung ho about learning the stages of pregnancy. Now I'm late to getting to class.

That's when I saw a familiar face up the hall. She looked calm, probably because she had a pass unlike me, and looking at her made me feel old. I knew Ella when she was a baby, heck I was at the hospital the day she was born. I remember her getting her first bike. I remember yelling at some kid who was picking on her. I remember sitting in Max's living room and talking Ella through what her first day of school would be like, then her first day of intermediate school, then middle school, but I never got the chance to do that for her first day of high school. I remember holding her dolls when Max refused to play with her. I remember Ella being a kid. I don't remember Ella in skinny jeans with control over her curly locks. I don't remember a filled out teenager with no awkward disproportionate body parts. I especially don't remember her straight, white smile. Ella had a gap in her teeth when we were kids and when we got a little older she got braces.

She smiled at me. She waved at me and then she said hello. I was so stunned that I just raised my hand in a small, awkward wave. Ella kept walking past me and I stopped in my tracks for a second. I turned around to look at her. God, she looked like Max did. The way she walked, the way she carried herself, she was just like Max.

I shook my head and headed back down the hall. The tap of my shoes was loud in the empty hall. I focused on the tap instead of the failed test in my backpack or Ella. But the mixture of the test and Ella's innocent smile brought me back to Max. I remember Max's innocent smile when we were freshman. I remember Max's soft blond hair, so different from Ella's black. I remember the light I used to see in Max's eyes. Then everything happened and now she hates me. The only time she is even remotely civil to me is when I'm distracting her late at night, but even then we don't say anything nice.

I slipped into my classroom only to have every head turn to face me.

"Welcome, Nick," Mr. Roberts said with a smile. I nodded and walked over to my seat. "No pass?"

I shook my head.

"Where are you coming from?" He asked suspiciously.

"Mrs. Johnson," I told him. "She wouldn't give me a pass."

He nodded and turned back to the board. I pulled out my notebook and looked over at Maya, my girlfriend.

"Hey," I whispered. I nudged her with my foot and gave her a small smile. She glanced over at me with a scathing glare. Ooh, I did something bad I guess. Either that or she's pissed at someone else. I should probably leave her alone, but I really don't feel like it.

"Can I grab your notes?" I asked as I nudged her again.

She whirled on me and glared at me completely. I recoiled a little. I was not expecting that.

"Are you hanging out with Maximum Ride?" She whispered under her breath harshly.

I furrowed my eyebrows. How did she figure that out?

"No," I said slowly. "Why?"

"Dylan Gunther-Hagen came up to me today," she whispered bitterly. "He told me that I better tell you to back off, Max. I told him that he had nothing to worry about, that you don't talk to Max at all. He said that I shouldn't be so sure of myself. He said I should start to watch you. So I'll ask you again: are you hanging out with Maximum Ride again?"

"No," I repeated. I'm not hanging out with Max, I'm sleeping with her. I'm not cheating on Maya, I'm helping Max and myself.

Maya examined me for a minute and then turned back to her notes. I sighed and looked out into the hallway, wishing I had never even bothered to show up for this class. Then, by chance, I saw Max walking down the hall while tossing a rock to herself. I shot my hand up.

"Yes, Nick?" Mr. Roberts asked.

"Can I go to the bathroom?" I asked him. Mr. Roberts glanced at the clock and then nodded a little defeated clearly. I sprung up and Maya gave me a questioning glance.

"I'll handle it," I whispered to her.

I walked up and grabbed my pass from Mr. Roberts before quickly slipping out the door.

I could see Max's figure up the hallway, still with her rock in the air; it must've been serving as her hall pass.

"Hey," I said, loudly enough that she would hear me. Max turned and looked at me and then she froze.

"Not a good time, Fang," she said simply and then turned back around. I loved the way my name just rolled off her tongue. She's one of the only people to call me Fang and hearing her say it makes me feel good.

"Hey, want to tell me why Dylan came up and yelled at Maya today?" I called. That made her stop. She turned to face me with confusion written all over her face.

"He did what?" She demanded. I hurried up the hall and came to stand in front of her. She stared me down, never letting up on her demand. Her arms were crossed and she almost looked angry.

"He basically told Maya that she shouldn't trust me because we're hanging out again," I told her.

"We're not hanging out again," Max said. "Well…we are, but were not actually hanging out and we've been doing that for a while"

"Exactly," I said. "Which is why I'm a little pissed that your boyfriend is going around making my girlfriend think that I'm hanging out with you. Where'd he get that from anyway?"

"You," she spat at me. "It's your fault. You left your shirt in my room. Dylan found it. I made up some excuse about finding it in my closet. I thought he believed it, but I guess not."

"Well, you are a pretty shitty liar," I told her with a small smirk. She just glared at me.

"Last I checked, I'm still a pretty good hitter, though," she warned. Message received. "Don't come around my house for a while either, Ella thinks she's Sherlock Holmes."

"She did look at me weird in the hallway today," I told her.

"Like I said, lay low," Max repeated impatiently.

"Look, I just don't want my girlfriend to think I'm cheating on her," I said. "So do whatever you have to do but I'm not going to let your boyfriend ruin my relationship."

"And to think I thought we were having a fairly civil conversation," Max spat. "Maybe if you knew how to get dressed we wouldn't have this problem."

"Don't peg this on me," I said pointing to myself. "This is your problem, it's your idiot of a boyfriend."

"Well, Fang, why don't you just leave the fucking condom next time, it'd probably be a little less obvious," she shot back at me. "Actually, that doesn't work for you does it, not with your track record, because condoms aren't your thing are they?"

I slammed her against the lockers before I even knew what I was doing.

"Don't you dare blame it on me!" I yelled in her face. Max didn't even look scared. She just stared up at me with pure fury.

"It's your fault!" Max screamed at me. "It's all your fault, Fang!"

She shoved me but I just grabbed her arms and pinned her arms down.

"It was your choice too," I told her viciously, a snarl in my voice. "It's your fault too."

The bell rang but all Max did was start to cry. I didn't even feel bad I just punched the locker to the right of her head. The sound sent the hallway into silence.

"You made me go by myself!" Max yelled at me and then she pushed me so hard that I stumbled.

"Is that why you hate me?" I yelled back. "'Cause it's not my fault, Max!"

"It's somebody's fucking fault!" She screamed at me.

"It's not mine! It's not only my fault! You can't just blame me 'cause you feel like shit! I feel like shit too, Max, but you don't seem to care. So why don't you just leave me alone?"

"You're the one who came up to me!" Max screeched furiously. "I just wanted to go to the bathroom!"

"You're the one who called me last night!" It was stupid to say when I knew people were watching. "You didn't seem to hate me last night when you were lonely and horny!"

Max looked ready to slug me.

"I really hate you!" Max screamed at me. "I hate you more than anyone I've ever hated in my whole life!"

"The feelings mutual, sweetheart," I spat at her. Max shoved me again, and again I stumbled back because of the force.

"Fuck you," Max mumbled and then she pushed through the crowd of on-lookers right as the bell rang signaling our tardiness. I watched her go and then pushed through the crowd myself.

…

I knocked on Maya's door and rang the doorbell obnoxiously until she opened the door for me. She looked me up and down quickly.

"I can explain," I said quickly.

"No need," Maya said quickly. "I already talked to Max…or she talked to me I guess. She told me that you told her no when she called you last night. I think she's a bitch, but I'm happy with you."

Why would Max do that? Why would she go through the trouble of finding Maya and telling her that I wasn't sleeping with her, when I was? Just to help me? I took me a minute to process everything, mostly because I couldn't believe that Max had done something nice for me after everything that we said in the hallway.

I nodded. Maya kissed me quickly and then grabbed my hand and pulled me into her house.

…

I woke up. It was dark and my room was dark. I took me a minute in my sleepy haze, but I realized that I couldn't feel Max's warmth. I spun onto my side to face her side of the bed. She wasn't there. It was then that I saw a figure wrapped in a big sweatshirt sitting against my wall. I sat up and looked over. Max was folded in on herself in the corner between my dresser and my wall. She had her head down in her arms and my big sweatshirt hanging loosely on her smaller torso. She shook.

"Max?" I asked softly. It took her exactly seven seconds- I counted-to lift her head to look at me. She had tears running down her cheeks and her eyes were puff and red. The moonlight coming into my room highlighted the tracks of tears on her face and her smooth legs.

"I wish I didn't love you anymore," she confessed thickly. She stared at me and wiped her nose aggressively. "I wish I hated you, but I don't. I'm weak." Self-hated poured out of her voice. I watched her not really absorbing what she was saying. She stood up shakily and I watched as she dressed herself. Then she slipped out of my door and was gone.

I still love you too, Max, I thought, but only once she was out the door and couldn't hear the dangerous words as they floated through my head.

**A/N: Review and tell me what you're thinking! I can't read your minds no matter how much I wish I could!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! I really have nothing to say I'm wicked tired so just read. **

"I think we need to talk," Dylan said as he came up to me at lunch. I shared a look with Nudge. Dylan has been avoiding me since my fight with Fang. He hasn't so much as looked at me since it happened.

I nodded and got up.

I followed Dylan out of the cafeteria and through the doors of the school. He looked down at me with the wind blowing our hair and clothes. It sent a chill through me. Winter is coming and as much as I want to be able to wear the new sweatshirt I got I'm not looking forward to below zero nights. The morning is so much less welcoming when it's freezing outside.

"What really happened with you and Nick Conway?" Dylan asked. "Because no one seems to know, yet you guys hate each other."

"Nothing that affects you," I told him. It's the answer I've given him every time he's asked before. Eventually he had stopped asking but I guess he wants to bring it up again. Either way my answer won't change.

"That answer worked before I found out that you were sleeping with him," Dylan said, frustration poured from him and assaulted me.

"I'm not sleeping with him," I said quickly.

"Yeah, but you were trying to at least," Dylan retorted. "You called him with the intent to sleep with him. You were trying to cheat on me with him."

"I wasn't," I said. "I just wanted to talk to him. He lied about the whole thing."

"Then why did I hear from Maya that you admitted to calling him?" Dylan nearly yelled. He's losing his temper.

"Because, I was just trying to help Fang out," I lied. "He asked if I would do that so that she wouldn't be mad at him. I was just trying to help out someone I used to care about. I would hope that if we ever broke up and I needed your help you would give it to me."

"What made you stop caring about him, Max?" Dylan countered quickly.

"Nothing that affects you," I repeated forcefully.

"Dammit, Max!" Dylan yelled and then he kicked the side of the building. I winced and took a step back.

"Telling you won't do anyone any good," I told Dylan. "And as much as I hate Fang, it's not only my secret to tell. It's a big part of his life too, so even if I somehow decided to tell you then I would need to talk to him first."

"Why do you want to keep secrets?" Dylan said as he ripped at his hair. "We've been dating for almost a year and I still don't get to know about some ex you had when you were fifteen."

To Dylan he was just some ex, to me he was the only ex that would matter.

"I mean what's the big secret? Did you guys kill someone? 'Cause that's what it feels like!"

"I don't want to talk to you if you're going to be like this," I said crossing my arms. "You're being crazy."

"Well, damn, I think I've got a right," Dylan said calmly while looking at me with wild eyes.

"Dylan," I said slowly. I moved forward slowly and rested a hand on his chest. "I love you, ok? Nothing in the past matters. Fang is…Fang is a bit of a glitch in my past. When you look up shitty history in the dictionary, it's a picture of Fang and me at fifteen. That was two years ago. It doesn't affect me and you, though."

Dylan looked down at my hand and then placed his over mine to hold it to his racing heart.

"I just don't want to lose you," Dylan said in a scratchy voice. "You're the best thing that's happened to me." He grabbed me and pulled me to him in a tight hug. That's when I felt all the guilt overwhelm me to the point where I almost wanted to cry. I shouldn't be doing this to him.

…

I pulled open my door in a desperate search for the bathroom. All those water bottles just hit me. Ella fell into my room and grunted. I looked down at her while shifting from foot to foot. What the hell is she doing outside of my room a two in the morning? I ignored my question and I ran for the bathroom across the hall.

When I finished in the bathroom, I went to find Ella. She was still lying on the ground in my doorway with her arm over her eyes. I kicked her and then stepped over her and into my room. Ella groaned and then stood up to look at me. I quickly shut my door so that our parents wouldn't wake up.

"What are you doing?" I demanded. Ella looked up at me sleepily.

"I was waiting for you to sneak Fang in again," Ella said and then reached around her shoulder to rub her neck. "But I feel asleep."

"I don't know how many more times I have to tell you, but I'm not sneaking Fang into my room," I told her sternly. I'm over this with her. "So why don't you just fuck off already."

I walked away from her and threw myself down in my bed. I pulled the blankets over my head and waited for the sound of the door. When I finally heard Ella leave I sighed in relief. I didn't want her to know just how truly messed up my whole life is right now or how fucked up my head is.

**A/N: Review guys! I might update early if I get a lot of reviews. **


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I know I missed updating last week but lacrosse started and I have no time for anything. You guys would usually be all over me for missing an update, but you really didn't seem that upset about it so I wasn't in that big of a rush. Thanks for all the reviews though. **

Maya and I found some cold bench to sit on and I handed her the popcorn I had bought. She took it and leaned into me. Our friends came and sat around us, each helping themselves to the tiny popcorn that cost eight dollars. I bought it for Maya and me, not for Iggy's enjoyment.

We're participating in typical high school activities. There's nothing more high school than coming out to watch the football game on a Friday night. So that's what we're doing. It sounded like a good idea until I had to pay twenty dollars to get Maya and me in and then spend eight on popcorn and another five on drinks. We should have just gone to the movies for that much.

Then to make my misery worse, I looked down to bottom row of the bleachers where all the girlfriends of the players stood and I saw a familiar blond head wearing Dylan's jersey. Something inside of me broke. Maybe it was because I could remember her at fourteen wearing my basketball jersey and yelling my name, even when I missed the shot. Maybe it was because I was seeing her be happy with someone else, because the idea of her and Dylan never really became concrete until now. Maybe it was because I could remember holding her so vividly that my body ached to touch her again. Maybe it was because Maya's hand felt so cold in mine and Max's always felt so warm. Whatever the reason, all I knew was that I wanted Max to take off Dylan's Jersey and put mine on. It was a bit of a possessive thought, but a real one; a real, dangerous, possessive thought that made me want to bang my head on the metal bleacher a couple times until it was gone.

"Fang, could you get us more popcorn?" Maya asked. I looked at our empty box and then at Iggy's buttery face. I grabbed the box and stood up without a word. Sixteen dollars on popcorn total. For the amount I'm spending here we should have gone somewhere nice for dinner.

I moved over to the concession stand where some dorky kid with glasses was working. He looked like the type to be in the science club and AV team. Either way, he'll probably have a way better job than me and have lots of hot wives when he gets to be rich later in life.

"I'll grab a-" I stopped when I realized someone was saying the exact same thing as me. I turned to see Max already staring at me with her stupid big jersey on.

"Jinx," Max finally said. She nodded at the stand. "I'll take a coke." She shoved her money into her pocket and I rolled my eyes.

"Those rules stopped working when we grew up," I told her. I turned to the kid who was watching us with nervous curiosity. I realized that even the dorks of the school knew about Max and I. "I'll take a popcorn."

The kid quickly moved to start making the popcorn. Max shoved me and I glared at her but she just raised her eyebrows with expectancy.

I sighed. "And a coke."

The kid glanced at us curiously and then handed me the popcorn and Max a coke can. Max started to walk away from me just like that.

"You're welcome!" I called to her.

"I earned it," she called from over her shoulder.

For a minute I just stood and smiled as I watched her walk back to the other girls. My heart ached for that again. For us to just be happy and banter back and forth and to just walk around town for hours with nowhere to go.

I made my way up to the bleachers and sat back down, handing Maya the popcorn.

"What took you so long?" Maya asked as she took the popcorn.

I didn't answer, just smiled as I looked down at where Max was standing and clapping when Dylan threw the ball.

…

"Hey, look there's Orion's Belt," I said pointing to the constellation. Maya glanced up at the sky and then back down at her phone.

"Cool," she mumbled.

I brought my hand down and shoved them into my pockets.

"I'm thinking McDonalds," Maya said. "Unless you want to go somewhere else."

I just shrugged and got in my car. Maya slipped into the passenger's seat and I drove out of the parking lot.

"Good game, huh?" I asked.

"Yeah, that last touchdown was crazy," Maya said as she finally put her phone down and reached for the radio. "Did you hear about the party at Anderson's?"

I nodded.

"Cops came," Maya told me. "Freddy lost his license because he had a girl in his car with him and he's not legal yet."

"He's stupid," I said.

"Yeah, but don't you think that's a little unfair?" Maya asked. "You know, it not like he was driving."

"Yeah, but if he's not supposed to be driving other people he should know better than to have a girl in his car if the police are coming."

"You don't think that's unfair?" Maya demanded.

"One less person I have to share the school parking lot with," I told her as I turned into McDonalds.

"You really don't see anything wrong with that?" Maya repeated almost in shock.

"No," I stated. "If you're going to be irresponsible then you shouldn't have a license."

"Whatever," Maya said.

"Yeah, whatever," I mumbled.

**A/N: I know the story is progressing slowly, but I hear this for every story that I write and every time I tell you guys that I'm developing a story realistically and every time you guys say that in the end you like it that I do that. So bear with me. Don't worry we'll move it along. **

**So let's say that if I get 15 reviews I'll update Wednesday if I get less than that I'll update Thursday, hopefully. Review!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: So I was going to update Thursday, but then I got drunk. Which, in retrospect, was not a good idea because I had to play a lacrosse game yesterday. Then I couldn't update yesterday because I had my lacrosse game and then I went out to eat and then I had ACTs this morning so last night I had to get to bed and I didn't get home until around eleven. It's been a rough week, but just know that I really wanted to update. Here's the chapter. **

"What's the meaning of life," Max asked. She was laying my bed next to me. Both of us took up interest in the ceiling. Usually we just fall asleep and the visitor leaves while the other is asleep to avoid confrontation, but this time is different.

"You're not going to like my answer," I told her. "Why do you care?"

"I'm philosophizing," Max stated simply. "I want to hear your answer anyway."

I waited because I knew the answer would break us both in half.

"To reproduce."

Max cried. Max cried and I begged God to please, please, just let it stop. Then, for the first time in my life, I wished that I believed that the meaning of life was to be happy.

…

When I woke up, Max was still in my bed. I remembered holding her until she fell asleep last night because I was the reason she cried. The least I could do was wait until she cried herself to sleep. It's a Saturday and I guess Max either was too exhausted to get up and leave me in the night or maybe she just didn't feel like it. Either way this was new territory. I didn't really know how to handle it. Neither of us had ever stayed the full night, it was unspoken law.

"We're going to do errands!" My mother yelled through my door.

"Ok!" I called back.

Max jolted awake. I watched as she looked around my room in confusion and then at me. Then, finally, at the window where the sun was up high in the sky.

"Fuck," Max mumbled and then spun and flopped on her back. She covered her eyes with the back of her arm and took a couple deep breaths.

"Fuck is right," I replied.

"I'm sorry," Max said. She threw the covers back in and went to get up. For whatever crazy reason I reached out and grabbed her. I pulled her back down in my bed and pulled her towards me.

"I'd like it if you stayed," I whispered to her. Never had either of us ever said that. To say that you wished for the other person to stay would be to attach meaning and feeling to what we do. To attach meaning and feeling would mean that we still cared about each other. To still care about each other was by far more dangerous than anything else in the world.

"O-ok," Max stuttered a she stared at me with wide eyes. She pulled my blanket over herself and positioned the pillow under her head.

"Can it be my turn to philosophize?" I asked quietly.

"Who said you get a turn?" Max countered with a smile.

"I said," I told her.

"As long as it justified," Max said.

We sat there for a minute.

"What do you think love is?" I asked her.

Then we just laid in silence for a long time. Max didn't move and I didn't dare make a sound. I watched as she thought it over in her head for a long time.

"Well, I figure it's what you and me have," Max said slowly. "I think it's what Dylan and I have. It's what I feel for my family."

"You figure that you and I love each other?" I asked her.

"In the way that you love your ex-wife or ex-husband," Max said as she turned on her side to face me. "Because I don't think you ever really fall out of love."

"Did you fall out of love with me?" I asked her.

"I just said I don't think people ever fall out of love," Max said.

"You didn't answer my question," I told her.

"No," Max said as she shook her head. "I still love you, just… differently. Did you fall out of love with me?"

"I wish I did," I told her.

We sat in silence for another minute.

"Do you love Maya?" Max asked me. "I love Dylan but…it's different."

"Yeah," I told Max. "I love Maya, but like you said, it feels different."

"Do you wonder if you'll ever get over it?" Max asked. "I pray to God every day that one morning I'll wake up and I won't hate myself, but then I feel guilty because I don't want to forget what we did."

"I pray to God every night and ask him to let me know that we made the right choice," I admitted. "Because I think I could move on as long as I knew that we made the right choice."

"Do you think we made the right choice?" Max whispered hoarsely. I'd asked myself that question millions of times before. The question haunts my every move and thought.

"I really hope so," I finally told her.

"If given the opportunity, would you do it differently?" Max asked me. It was those 'what if?' questions that drove me mad. I don't know what my future would be like if we had done it differently. Would Max and I still be together? Would we hate each other more or less? What if I had just gone with her that day and been a man about it, would she still love me?

I knew that if given the chance to do it again, I know for sure that I wouldn't have made Max go alone. I don't know if I would make that choice again, but I would never do that to her again.

"I don't know if I would do what we did," I told her. I tucked her hair behind her ear reflexively. "But I know I would never make you go alone again. I would go with you if given the chance to do it over."

"Good, because that was the worst day of my life and it makes me really angry that you didn't have to be there."

"I know," I said. "I'm sorry."

"I should leave," Max said. I felt her hand on my arm and realized how real this was.

I nodded.

Max got up and out of my bed. I threw my arm over my eyes as she got dressed slowly. Finally, I heard the sound of the door opening. I let out a long breath as the door clicked shut ending our one civil conversation in years.

**A/N: Seriously guys review! I'm on vacation this week so I will hopefully be able to update more. **

**What would Jesus/ Buddha/ whatever the hell else you believe in do?**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Alright, I know I'm bad, but so are you guys. I can see how many views my story gets and I can see how many reviews I get and they don't add up. You guys have to review! I'm crazy busy and I don't feel like updating for the minimal amount of people who review. Here's the chapter. **

"You guys better behave," Mom scolded as she grabbed her coat. My dad was slipping on his shoes and smiling over at me calmly. "I swear I'll find out if you do something bad. I told the neighbors to keep watch and call if anything suspicious happens."

"Relax mom," I said rolling my eyes while looking at Ella.

"No boys," Mom added. I let out a long, bored sigh. We'd heard all this before. Dad had a convention in Boston and he's taking Mom with him. To simplify it, Mom's worried we'll throw a party or something.

"We know, mom," Ella whined.

"Ok, we love you," Mom said and then kissed us on the head. Dad came over and kissed our cheeks and gave us a hug. Then they left.

I grabbed my phone and moved to the TV quickly. Then came the debate: Fang or Dylan?

I flipped the TV on and put on MTV. I stared at Dylan's contact for a really long time. He smiled at me forever and ever in that picture. His eyes were bright and his love clear on his face. Then I had the urge to look at Fang's picture. I pulled up his contact and stared at his picture. He was fourteen in the picture and he was actually smiling at me. It was a lopsided smirk and his eyes were clear when they looked at me. He still had some aspects to him that made him look like a kid. Now he was a full grown man at seventeen. His cheeks had lost all their roundness and he had buffed up a little more. My decision was made in a second.

"Hey," Fang answered on the other side of the phone.

"Hey, my parents aren't home," I said.

"Give me an hour," Fang replied.

"Park down the street and walk."

I hung up and turned the TV up. Ella came bounding down the stairs. She looked at me and smiled.

"I'm going out," Ella said.

"When will you be home?" I asked her distractedly.

"Couple hours," she replied.

"Ok," I said.

"Are you having Dylan over?" Ella asked.

"Yeah," I lied. "So don't bug us."

Ella rolled her eyes and then slipped out the door.

…

"I'll see you later," Fang said as she slipped out of my bed. I watched him as he dressed and then met his eyes before he slipped out the door. "What?" He asked innocently.

"Nothing," I said with a shrug.

"You're giving me a look," he responded.

"I'm not looking at you any differently than I usually do," I said simply. At least I didn't think I was looking at him any differently, but inside I was begging for him to turn around and kiss me on the head like he used to before he left when we were kids.

"Whatever, Max," he said and then he slipped out the door.

I listened to the retreat of his footsteps and let out a deep sigh. I covered my eyes with my arm and tried to relax. A second later I heard the slap of footsteps and then my door slammed open and shut again. I shot up in my bed to face Fang. He had his back to the door and wide eyes. His chest rose and fell with heavy inconsistent breaths.

"What?" I demanded, shocked.

"I just really fucked up," he said nervously.

"What? What happened?" I asked.

"I just literally walked into your sister," Fang said. "I was turning the corner to go down the stairs and bumped into her."

"You what?" I sprung up. "What did she say?"

"Nothing, she just stared at me all weirded out for a long time," Fang replied. "Then I ran back here."

"Well, good job idiot," I said angrily as I got out of bed. I pulled on some pajama pants and a t-shirt. "You couldn't hear her coming up the stairs? She's not exactly a silent ninja."

"I was too focused on that look you were giving me," he said defensively. "What the hell was that look?"

"I wasn't giving you a look!" I yelled.

"You so were!" He shot back. "Why'd you look at me like that?"

"Just let it go, Fang," I gritted out through my teeth. I walked past him and cracked open my door. The hallway was clear. "It's empty."

"Just tell me what you wanted," Fang said.

"I just wanted you to kiss me on my forehead," I said quietly. "Like you used to."

Fang approached me and placed a kiss on my forehead. When he pulled away I couldn't even meet his eyes.

"If you wanted romance you should have called Dylan," Fang said sharply. He pulled away from me and looked out into the hallway himself. "Bye."

"Bye," I said.

Fang glanced back at me and then he grabbed me. He pulled me to him and slammed his lips to mine. It was the sweetest kiss we've shared in a long time. It was gentle and patient. It wasn't filled with desire, it was filled with apology. It was filled with years of grief and sorrow and nostalgia. When we pulled away we were both breathless.

"Don't mess with me, Fang," I said sternly.

"Don't tell me you didn't feel that," Fang demanded. I did feel it. It was the best kiss I've had in a long time. It tops all the kisses I've ever shared with Dylan and all the desperate kisses I've shared with Fang in the past couple years.

"You said yourself that you loved me," Fang said as he searched my face. "You said that you never fell out of love."

"We were kids," I choked out. "We were only kids, Fang."

"That doesn't change anything," Fang told me desperately.

"I think you should leave," I said sternly. This is not the time or the place to be stirring up old feelings. The truth is that I still love Fang. I still love him, but that innocent love I had at fourteen was not the love I had for him now. Now we had been through too much to ever go back and he doesn't seem to realize that.

"Fine," Fang said. I could see him putting up walls. He narrowed his eyes and took a step away from me. He slipped out the door and then he was gone for real this time. I snatched up some new clothes and headed for the shower.

I shut myself into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I took the time to thoroughly wash my body off. Then, I got out of the shower and dressed in new pajamas. When I looked at myself in the mirror I noticed just how puffy my eyes were from holding back tears. Fang is one of the only people who can make me cry so easily. I left my clothes in the bathroom and headed down the hall until I reached Ella's room.

I knocked quietly and then I walked in. Ella was sitting at the edge of her bed with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. When I walked in she looked up at me with wide eyes. I choked on a sob and just stared at her. Ella stood up quickly and then she wrapped me in a tight hug.

"I'm sorry," I told her thickly. Ella just rubbed my back, like I was the younger sister in this situation.

That night Ella let me sleep in her room. She didn't ask me about Fang or tell me that I've screwed up or tell me that I'm a mess. She just let me cry on her shoulder and made me feel less alone. I've never been more thankful to have a sister even if she can be annoying sometimes.

**A/N: I want to update on Wednesday or Thursday if you guys review! Review!**

**I've finished this story so now all I have to do is post the chapters so the more reviews I get the more updates you get. Think about it. **


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews guys. Someone brought up a great point and I just want you guys to know that I'm not review obsessed but when I'm getting like nine reviews (I know that kind of makes me sound like a brat but I'm used to more) it's a little discouraging but based on what I got on last chapter I made sure to update today. **

**This chapter is really big and I really want you to read it. A couple of you guys have guessed what happened between Max and Fang but you find out for sure what happened this chapter**

**This chapter is also in Max POV. I know it's supposed to be in Fang but I didn't want to put in a filler chapter to make Fang's POV happen in between and this chapter just seemed like it had to be written in Max's POV. Just to clarify so you guys don't get confused. **

I could feel Ella's stare from across the kitchen. I knew that her vow of silence last night was long over and now she wanted answers. Either way, I continued to eat my cereal while pretending that I didn't feel her gaze.

Someone knocked at the door and Ella put her cereal down across from where I was sitting. I glanced at the half-eaten bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and looked back down at my own bowl of cereal silently.

"Hey Dylan," Ella said. I could hear the fake smile in her voice.

"Is Max home?" Dylan asked.

"Yeah, c'mon."

I heard their footsteps and looked up when Dylan walked through the doorway to the kitchen. I put a smile on my face.

"Hey, sweetie," I said calmly. "Want cereal?"

He stomped over to me and took a big bite of me cereal while staring me down. I get that's he's angry, but he just downed a big bite of my cereal. He threw my spoon back into my bowl and it clattered.

"You know, what I don't understand is why I bother with you," Dylan said as he squinted his eyes and made a weird hand gesture. It was like he was trying to understand something very hard.

I sat back in my chair and pushed my bowl of cereal away.

"I know your parents weren't home, and I'm not a prick who expects something to come from that, but you could have at least called. Maybe we could have watched a movie or something. I mean, if my parents weren't home you'd be the first person I'd call. So then I started to question if I'd done something wrong. I sat for a long time wondering if I'd screwed up or maybe made you mad, but then I worked it out. You see it's not me, Max, it's never been me. It's always been you. I convinced myself that I trusted you, but then I thought that there's no reason I couldn't just check up on the annoying thought that had been bugging me all night. So I called Maya-Nick Conway's girlfriend. I figured that I had nothing to worry about and that she would just tell me that she had been with Nick or seen him or even talked to him. Then, when I asked her if she had heard from Nick she said that he said he had something to do. So this is the last time I'll ask, Max, are you hanging out with Nick Conway?"

I looked at Dylan's angry eyes. He looked ready to blow a top.

"I'm not hanging out with Nick Conway," I told him.

"Are you sleeping with him?" Dylan asked impatiently. "Are you cheating on me?"

"With all the time you've been spending around Maya, I think I could ask you the same thing," I accused. I stood from my chair and poked him in the chest. I applauded myself for flipping this around on him. "Sounds like you and Maya are real comfortable around each other with all these late night calls and conversations when I'm not around. I think the better question is: are you cheating on me, Dylan?"

Dylan looked taken back. He looked shocked and totally lost.

"No, Max, I'm not cheating on you," he said quickly. "I didn't mean-I didn't think of the way it looked. I'm just talking to her, we're not even friends, I swear."

"I don't know, Dylan, it sounds awfully suspicious," I said as I crossed my arms.

"I know how it sounds, but that's not how it is," Dylan insisted urgently.

"You promise?" I asked him.

"I promise, I'm not cheating on you," Dylan said quickly. "I love you."

Hook, line, and sinker. I never knew Dylan was so gullible.

"I love you too," I said and I did love him. I just don't love Dylan the same way I love Fang. I can't risk losing Fang for good by letting Dylan know what we're doing. I guess I'm putting Fang before Dylan.

"I'm sorry I didn't call you last night," I told him. I reached up and ran my hand through his hair. "My mom had the neighbors on the lookout for anyone coming into the house, I didn't want to risk it."

"I understand," Dylan said. "I'm sorry I accused you. I get it if you're not ready to talk about that part of your past."

"Thank you," I told him. He kissed me quickly and then looked behind him at the door.

"I actually have to get to work," he said. "I was just stopping here first."

"That's fine," I said. "Stop by again later."

He kissed me one last time and then he left.

I turned back to my soggy cereal and decided to pour a new bowl. Ella looked up casually from her phone and met my eyes.

"You're a bitch," she said as she looked at the doorway Dylan just left through.

"I know, but I do love Dylan, I don't want to lose him over Fang and I don't want to lose Fang over Dylan so it had to be done."

"You're playing him," Ella said.

"I am," I said simply.

"So you are sleeping with Fang then?" Ella asked.

"I am," I said. "And you can't tell anyone or else shit will get real."

"You lied to me," Ella said.

"I'm sorry, but I didn't want anyone to know," I said. "Not even Nudge knows."

"Why are you even doing it?" She asked.

"It makes me feel better," I said truthfully.

"It seems like doing the thing that ruined your relationship might make you feel worse," Ella shot at me.

"It doesn't," I said.

"If you love him, then why aren't you with him?" Ella asked.

"It's not that easy, Ella," I said impatiently. She doesn't understand the delicate balance my relationship with Fang is in.

"It should be," Ella said while crossing her arms defiantly.

"Yeah, but it's not," I said and stood. I put my cereal bowl in the sink and grabbed some water. "I'm going to see what Nudge is doing." I walked out of the kitchen while pulling my phone from my pocket to see if Nudge wanted to get food or something.

…

"You're what?" Nudge yelled. Every head in Panera turned to us. I hushed her and casually dipped my bread into my soup.

"I'm hooking up with, Fang," I whispered, "and Ella found out last night."

"Hold up," Nudge said and she held her hand up to me. Confusion was written all over her face. "You're cheating on Dylan with Fang and while you're parents weren't in town yesterday you called up Fang instead of Dylan and then Ella ran into him in the hallway?"

I nodded.

"Girl, are you nuts?" Nudge said and then smacked my arm. I recoiled and grabbed my arm. "Fang of all people? You've officially gone off your rocker! How could you do this? You didn't even tell me. This is ridiculous. Is he that good?"

"Oh he's good," I said while raising my eyebrows and giving her a look so she could try and understand how good. I realized that I probably shouldn't be going on about how good Fang was. "But that's not the point."

"What is the point?" Nudge asked. "Do you want another _problem_?"

"I would call it more than a problem," I told her.

"You know what I mean," Nudge said. "I'm just saying that it seems like this is more hell than it's worth. What are you doing it for?"

"It makes me feel better," I told her.

"Well, sex will do that," Nudge said simply.

"No, I mean emotionally," I said. "It makes me feel better emotionally."

Nudge looked at me for a long time and I felt like she was sizing up just how crazy I was.

"Babe, you need some serious girl time," Nudge finally said. "Let's, like, go watch some chick flick and get slushes after this."

"Sounds good," I mumbled and took another big bite of soup.

"Are you going to keep cheating on Dylan?" Nudge asked me lowly. "Because I don't think you should be doing that. Especially since Fang is cheating on that Maya chick and she already hates you. I think you probably need to pick one or the other, Max. You can't stay with Dylan and cheat on him with Fang."

I mumbled something that didn't make any sense. I just wanted Nudge to drop it. I knew that I couldn't keep up this balancing act for long.

Nudge took a bite of her apple and stared at me.

"I need shoes," Nudge declared. "I need a lot of shoes. I feel like I've lost a couple pairs or something. I thought I had this pair the other day and coordinated my whole outfit around them and then I couldn't find the shoes. I want to go buy some shoes after we watch the movie.

"I can't spend too much," I told her. "I need gas."

"I just filled up my tank yesterday," Nudge told me. "It almost cost my whole paycheck. It's totally ridiculous. I can't afford to live here anymore. I need to get, like, a Prius or something. Or like one of those electric cars. Maybe one with solar panels."

"That'll be great when it's winter," I told her. "Or on a rainy day. Maybe you could get a car like the Flintstones."

"You're in a shitty mood," Nudge mumbled. She reached forward and took a sip of my coffee.

"Sorry," I said. "I'm just a little stressed."

"I need to talk to you," Fang said. I looked up to see him gripping the edge of the table firmly. His jaw was set and his eyes were firmly on me. Nudge was staring at him like he was a ghost. "I've been calling you."

I'm not really sure how he found me, but I decided not to ask.

"Guess my phone must be on silent," I snapped. I knew he had been calling me. I shut off my phone he was calling me so much.

"It must be," he said and I heard the viciousness in his voice. He didn't want for an invitation, he just slipped into the booth next to me and stared between Nudge and I. "Hi Nudge."

"Hi Fang, nice to see you," Nudge said.

"You too," Fang said calmly. He turned back to me. "What'd you get?" He looked at my food and then took my spoon. I let him take some of my soup and rip off a piece of my bread. "You should try and get something else sometime. There's lots of good stuff on the menu."

"What do you want?" I asked him.

"It's not about what I want," Fang said and he looked sideways at me. "Dylan was waiting in my driveway this afternoon."

"Really?" I asked curiously.

"Really," Fang replied. "Should I get tuna or that awesome Panini?"

"I hate tuna," I mumbled.

"Tuna it is," Fang said with a smile. "I'll be right back. We can talk."

"Don't bother," I told him as he stood up. "I'm leaving."

"No you aren't," he called over his shoulder.

"Should I leave?" Nudge asked me quietly.

"No!" I said quickly. "Do not leave me alone with him."

"What does he want?" Nudge asked.

"To annoy me," I told her. "He got annoyed by Dylan so he's going to take it out on me."

"Why'd Dylan go talk to him?" Nudge asked.

"I'm pretty sure he knows I'm cheating on him," I whispered to her. "He's been all up my ass about it lately. I don't think he's as stupid as I think he is."

"What are you going to do?" Nudge asked.

"I'm going to listen to Fang until he gets bored," I said. "Then we'll go to the movies together."

Nudge looked skeptical.

"Just look up movie times," I told Nudge. Fang walked back to our table and slid in next to me. He pushed me over easily so that he had enough room. He put his tray down and picked up half of his sandwich. He offered it to me simply.

"I don't like tuna," I told him again.

"It's not tuna," he said. I leaned over and took a big bite. It was wicked good. It was a little spicy but wicked good. Fang offered a bite to Nudge and she took a bite.

"That's wicked good," I told him.

"Yeah it is," Nudge said with wide eyes as she chewed. "What is that? I want it."

"Some chipotle thing," Fang answered through a bite. "Maybe if you guys broadened your palate you would know about it."

"Broadened our palates?" I asked him as Nudge giggled to herself. I couldn't help the smile that broke through. Fang glanced at the two of us and nervously swallowed.

"Iggy made me watch cooking shows yesterday," he mumbled. "Speaking of the devil…"

"What'd I miss?" Iggy asked breathlessly. He shoved into the booth next to Nudge and for a minute it looked like the four of us were friends again. Fang and I had been friends since we were younger then I met Nudge and Fang met Iggy and the four of us became friends. When we broke up, Iggy and Nudge were forced to take sides. It was like _Parent_ _Trap_, I got Nudge and Fang got Iggy.

"Nothing yet," Nudge told him and offered him a chip. "Just the usual banter and tension."

I gave Nudge a questioning glance to which she just shrugged.

"What is this?" Fang asked as he reached for my coffee.

"_My_ coffee," I said as I pushed his hand away. "Get your own."

"I would but it would be pointless for us to both buy one," Fang said simply. I rolled my eyes and moved the cup farther from him.

"After dealing with Dylan's shit this morning I think you owe me," Fang said.

"I don't owe you anything, Fang," I said sternly. He heard the hostility in my voice and suddenly this wasn't about coffee.

"I'll punch him next time," Fang said lowly. "I'm not dealing with it anymore. Either tell him to fuck off or I'll do it and my way won't be very nice."

"I'm about to tell _you_ to fuck off," I told him and I pushed him away with a couple fingers to his chest. "Say what you need to say and then leave."

"Free country," Fang said. "I'll go where I want."

"Whatever, Fang," I mumbled and turned back to picking at my bread.

"Are you going to talk to Dylan or what?" Fang demanded firmly.

"Are you going to talk to Maya?" I countered. "Her and Dylan have been going around together."

"What do you mean?" Fang asked.

"I mean that they've been going around together."

"Yeah, but do you mean they've been hanging out or hooking up?" Fang demanded quickly.

"Aw, does the thought of your girlfriend cheating on you make you upset?" I asked mockingly. "That's not hypocritical at all."

"Well are they hooking up?" Fang demanded quickly.

"Fuck if I know," I said finally.

"Why don't you just break up with him already?" Fang finally said impatiently.

"Because I love him," I said in a very 'duh' way.

"No you don't," Fang stated simply.

"How would you know?" I threatened.

"Because I've seen what you look like when you look at someone you love and that's not the way you look when you're looking at Dylan," Fang said and he was challenging me with his eyes and his body language although his voice was level.

"What do you know about love?" I told him. "You haven't loved anything in your whole life, Fang."

"I love you," he said.

"No, you don't," I said. "You've never loved me."

He grabbed me and made me look at him.

"Don't you dare ever say that again," he threatened. "I've always loved you Max and if you don't know that I love you then you don't know anything."

"If you loved me then you wouldn't have made me go by myself," I told him with furrowed eyebrows. "You're a coward."

He stared at me blankly and it cut into me. How could he not care about one of the biggest decisions I've ever made in my life? How could he stay unemotional?

"I bet you can't even say it," I snarled. "I bet you can't even say what you made me do by myself. Say it, Fang. Say what I did-what you made me do by myself."

Fang hardened his face like I've seen him do hundreds of times. The first time I saw him do it was when we watched _Bambi_ as children. The last time I saw him harden his face like that was when we were fifteen and when I told him what I wanted to do.

"Every time I see you," Fang started, "I imagine what she would look like." His eyes cut into mine and he let his face soften. I blocked out the business of the restaurant and focused on him because this may never happen again.

"How do you know it was going to be a girl?" I whispered to him.

"Because I called the doctor," Fang whispered to me. "I called him and I made him do the test. It cost a lot of money but I was going crazy. We were going to have a baby girl." I felt bile rise in my throat. Up until now it had always just been a baby. It didn't feel real. Now I know that there was a little baby girl growing inside me that never got to see this world and that cuts so much deeper. "I remember that night that we laid in bed and you told me-you told me that if you ever had a daughter that you would name her Emily. I asked you why and you told me that it was your Grandmother's name."

I closed my eyes and I was back at age fourteen with a much younger Fang staring at me while we talked. We talked about our futures and even though I said I wasn't sure if I would have kids I remember being positive that I would name my first daughter Emily if I ever had her. I'm still positive that I'll name my first daughter Emily, if I ever have one.

"I wonder if she'd have my eyes or your smile. I wonder what she would dream of. I wonder if she would ask a million and one questions, just like you did." He smiled at me and I couldn't help but smile back. I leaned my forehead against his and I found comfort in the contact. "I wonder if she would look at the stars and think they were amazing just like I did. I wonder if she would like fishing and climbing trees. I wonder if she would kiss my cheek like you used to when we were young; like a little feather kiss on my cheek. I wonder if she would be restless like us. I wonder who'd she be and who'd we be."

I met his eyes and I froze.

"I wonder too, Fang," I told him. "I wonder myself crazy sometimes."

"I wonder if you would still love me," he said. "Not like you love me now, like you did before."

"Say it, Fang."

"I wonder if you would love me like you did before I made you go to the doctor's by yourself, before you aborted our baby girl."

I felt a tear slip down my cheek.

"I loved her," I choked out. "I loved her, but I couldn't…"

"Me either," Fang said gently. He stroked my cheek. "We made the decision together but I made you go alone and I'll never forgive myself."

"I don't know if I can forgive you either," I told him.

He glanced all over my face and he pulled away from me.

"I should go," he finally mumbled.

"Yeah, you should," I said as I remembered the feel of his forehead against mine. We had had a brief moment where we could only feel and hear each other but that was over now, he broke it.

"Call me later," Fang said and he gave me a devilish smirk. "I could use a good fuck after being harassed by your boyfriend all morning."

"I'm busy later, asshole," I told him and I shoved him closer to the edge of the bench. I'm ready for him to leave.

"Yeah?" He challenged. "With what?"

"Anyone other than you," I shot at him.

"How good is Dylan, Max?" Fang said with a smirk. "Bet he can't make you feel like I do." He nuzzled my neck.

"You're right he doesn't make me feel nearly as annoyed," I said. I shoved him again, but he just came back.

He got real close to me and leaned towards my ear. "Do you remember the first time we made love?" I shivered as he said that 'we made love' instead of 'had sex' or 'fucked' because the first time Fang and I slept together and all the times leading up to our breakup were not just sex they were love. "Do you remember you cried?"

"Please, leave," I told him under my breath.

"I remember," Fang said while casually ignoring my request only to continue on with what he wanted to say. "You told me that you felt like you lost something but you were more than happy to give me what you lost. You told me that you loved me and that it was perfect even though it wasn't. I wish you still loved me like that."

With that he slid out of the booth and Iggy mumbled something to Nudge before taking his tray and following Fang away from our table.

"Shoes or movie?" Nudge asked me. I felt drained.

"Anything, just get me far away from him," I told her.

It wasn't so much Fang that I hated, although it played a part, it was my hatred for our past. It's all the feelings that he reminds me off that kill me inside. He makes me lose whatever strength I have. When we were younger we used to share strength and became twice as strong, now we've fallen apart and we drain the strength from each other and neither of us wins.

**A/N: I just want you guys to know that this next week is going to be insanity for me. I have SATs this Saturday, AP testing next week, college tours, job training, and my prom. It's all happening between this Saturday and next Saturday. But after this week my work load should go down…hopefully. But review guys because if you guys are excited then I get excited and it makes me want to review more. Just be patient with me next week and know that I'm sleep deprived, possibly going crazy, and will probably be ripping my hair out. **


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